I’m not comfortable with it. I’m not confident about it. I’m scared.
I have very supportive people in my life. I’m very blessed for that and very grateful. But the fear of rejection never quite leaves me. I get choked up, my anxiety rises, my palms get sweaty even when I just think about coming out to someone. Even if they’re my friend. Even my best friend. I’m scared they’ll hate me. I know being gay or being in a same-sex relationship makes a lot of people uncomfortable. It’s understandable. I would just rather keep my mouth shut than make people uneasy or unhappy. That’s how I am. I want to please everyone. and I know that’s unreasonable. So I’d rather just keep quiet.

But at the same time, I feel like if I don’t start telling people who I am, then I’ll never accept myself, much less anyone else accept me. I guess my faith also plays a huge part in it. I am a Christian. I love my God, and I love my Bible. I truly do. I live by it, I live by the example that Christ taught. To love freely, to not judge, to read the Word and keep it in your heart. I try so hard and every day is a constant struggle. And I pray every night. I used to pray that God make me “normal”. I used to pray that he make me like men. And nothing was happening. And I was so frustrated and I was so angry. And then one day a thought popped in my head. Maybe God wasn’t changing me because He loves me and wants me just the way He made me. Just the way He intended me to be. And if this is it, then I have to accept it. I have to embrace it. It’s just not easy. I’m not proud of being gay. Maybe one day I will be, but just not now.